Giving in to Something Heavenly

So I have learned the past week that writing a blog about my struggles with “Great Expectations” was like praying for patience; it is usually followed by some perfect opportunities to practice patience (and then followed by a failure that makes you pray for more patience- and so the cycle continues).

I can honestly say that for most of the plans in my life, I have great expectations (or at least good ones); plans that I have tried to align with God’s word and the leading of the Holy Spirit. God would never throw plans like that off track, right? Wrong.

I am a planner by nature. It eases my mind to have a calendar full of hopes and plans. I used to be (and can sometimes resort to being) a “control freak.” I would literally put “wake up” and “make sure you go to the bathroom today” on my to-do list. Some weeks I know that I am being too ambitious with my plans, but things left undone just get pushed to the next day until completion. I can see how God has worked on my heart with those simple day-to-day mini failures of tasks that go undone. I don’t have to dwell on the failure; I can get up, try again tomorrow and move on. My problem still lies with the bigger hopes, bigger plans, bigger dreams.

I have lived with the false idea that I could plan out my whole life, live accordingly, pray, and God would be right there with me, cheering me along as my plans succeeded. Apparently, when I read Proverbs 16 I would coincidentally never read verse 9, which says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” A stab in the heart to the control freak, who has not only planned the course in his heart, but also his mind, body, soul, calendar, post-it notes, etc etc etc. Letting go of these lofty plans that are so embedded into my being is extremely difficult. It’s hard for me to grasp why God would put something, someone, some place, some timing on my heart and then not allow me the opportunity to live out those dreams. Granted, it’s not like my life is over and there are no more chances to have these dreams become reality in my life. As I see seemingly perfect opportunities pass me by at the seemingly perfect time, I can lose sight of the God who holds my days.

I think of the story of Job, a man who had it all going for him and had every reason to be secure in his plans but then had everything ripped away from him. My heart aches as I read the words in Job chapters 38-41 knowing that I, like Job, am ignorant in the presence of God.

“Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? […] Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? […] The LORD said to Job: “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” Then Job answered the LORD: “I am unworthy- how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth.”

I tremble at these words, being reminded of the Greatness of the God that I call upon, question, complain to, and fear. My dreams in light of these verses seem petty. I am blessed that God allows me glimpses of His heart in His plans for me. I need to stop comparing my life to the lives of Christians around me and just sit at the feet of my God, eagerly expecting the next exciting and unexpected turn He will put in front of me. I can only pray that baggage from expectations not (yet) met do not take away from the joy and the future that God has, wants, and plans for me. God brings that joy in ways that I could never have imagined in my own mind. I pray for both myself and you that we can take God as a refuge when our plans are unraveling before our eyes and we feel helpless, abandoned, let down, and alone. We are not alone Church; let us not lose heart.

“Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD…” (Jeremiah 29:12-14).